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Do you find yourself constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, even when it leaves you feeling drained or unfulfilled? If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with low self-esteem and a tendency to prioritise others’ needs over their own. This pattern, often referred to as people-pleasing, can keep you stuck in a cycle of seeking validation while neglecting yourself.
Breaking free of other people’s expectations is not easy, but it is possible. By understanding the root of people-pleasing tendencies you can take deliberate steps to build self-esteem. This can then help you reclaim your autonomy and start living a life that feels authentic and true to you.
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Low Self-Esteem
The first step in stopping people pleasing is understanding where it comes from. Often, people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated need for approval and a fear of rejection. At its core, it’s driven by low self-esteem - a belief that your worth is tied to how much you can do for others or how well you can avoid conflict. Over time, this can lead to a loss of identity as you begin to prioritise others’ expectations over your own needs, preferences, and dreams.
Valuing the opinions of others over your own can erode your sense of self-worth which in turn increases feelings of anxiety and burnout, leading to you feeling unfulfilled and resentful in life but unsure why.
Breaking free requires you to recognise that your value isn’t dependent on external validation. It comes from within.
Steps to Stop People-Pleasing and Increase Your Self-Esteem
Start by reflecting on how meeting others’ expectations has affected your life. Awareness is the first step toward change. By identifying where you’re compromising your authenticity, you can begin to take back control.
Take time to reflect on your values, passions, and goals. Often, people-pleasing stems from not being clear about what *you* want so it’s time to learn. Once you’re clear on your own priorities, it becomes easier to set boundaries and make the decisions you actually want to make.
Learn to set boundaries and say “no”. Learning to say “no” can feel uncomfortable, but it’s a crucial skill for breaking free of others’ expectations. Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, like declining an invitation or postponing a task you can’t take on. Remember, saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish - it means you’re respecting your limits and valuing your own time and energy.
Work on identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs. Low self-esteem often involves negative self-talk, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll be rejected if I don’t please others”. Over time, replacing negative thoughts with more balanced, compassionate ones can help build your self-worth.
Two Exercises to Build Self-Esteem
Exercise 1: The “I Am Worthy” List
Write down 10 qualities you like about yourself. These can be skills, personality traits, or things you’ve achieved. Keep this list somewhere you will often see it. Whenever self-doubt creeps in you can use this list to remind yourself of all your positive attributes.. Over time, this will help you internalise your strengths and recognise your inherent worth.
Exercise 2: Daily Acts of Self-Validation
This one involves journaling - at the end of each day, you’re going to write down one thing you did well or one choice you made that aligned with your values and how it made you feel. Acknowledging your efforts and decisions helps reinforce the idea that you don’t need external validation to feel good about yourself - you can validate yourself.
Self-Esteem is a Journey
Breaking free of others’ expectations is a journey, not a destination. It takes energy to challenge ingrained habits and beliefs, but the reward is a life that feels genuinely fulfilling. By recognising your worth, setting boundaries, and nurturing your self-esteem, you can step out of the shadow of people-pleasing and into a brighter, more authentic version of yourself.
If you need a guide on your self-esteem journey - get in touch.